A poetic repartee to the conspiracy afoot to get me married.
I Do, I Will, I Have
By Ogden Nash
How wise I am to have instructed the butler to instruct the first footman to instruct the second footman to instruct the doorman to order my carriage; /
I am about to volunteer a definition of marriage./
Just as I know that there are two Hagens, Walter and Copen, /
I know that marriage is a legal and religious alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut and a woman who can't
sleep with the window open. /
Moreover, just as I am unsure of the difference between flora and fauna and flotsam and jetsam, /
I am quite sure that marriage is the alliance of two people one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgetsam, /
And he refuses to believe there is a leak in the water pipe or the gas pipe and she is convinced she is about to asphyxiate or drown, /
And she says Quick get up and get my hairbrushes off the windowsill,
it's raining in, and he replies Oh they're all right, it's only raining straight down. /
That is why marriage is so much more interesting than divorce, /
Because it's the only known example of the happy meeting of the
immovable object and the irresistible force. /
So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat over everything debatable and combatable, /
Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable. /
And a few puns on the subject.
- "Do you take this woman to be your awfully wedded wife?"
- "You may now cuss the bride"